I Am Lost
By: Arielle Germeus
Sometime during the beginning of the 2019-2020 school year, my school’s former Upper School Director, who was new at the time, was directing the lunch line. An altercation between two students occurred in the line with the Director present and the Director, in the midst of the chaos, exclaimed something along the lines of “my Liberty City students act better than this!” Obviously it was extremely inappropriate and insensitive.
If the students are supposed to represent the core values, of honor, respect, wisdom, and compassion, so should the faculty. How am I supposed to believe in my school and its faculty when a person in such a high leadership position says something like this? After hearing what I heard that day I felt upset, sad, confused, and tired. But most of all I felt as lost as ever. There is no justification for what was said. Period. But let’s think about the aftermath. Let’s think about how I, as a black student, am supposed to trust the administration to handle a situation if someone were to say something racially insensitive or discriminatory to me, or racial slur directed towards me? How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do? I’m lost.
For those of you reading, do not use this as ammunition for your dislike of this administration. Were you genuinely upset by the words that were said or did you just rally behind the outrage because it was against someone you already disliked and it was convenient? Learn from this. Do you have a subconscious bias or discrimination against a group of people? Did you accidentally call a black student another black student’s name even though, if placed side by side, they look nothing alike? Do you assume a black student would act a certain way, know a certain dance, or know a certain slang word? Do you automatically assume that a black student would know a new album was released from a certain artist (more specifically, a hip hop artist)? Do you change your vernacular or persona to fit a certain stereotype when talking to a black student? Do you think before you speak? When you commit these microaggressions, please think about it, please ponder on why that would hurt someone, even if you wouldn’t be hurt by it. Let us all learn from this, because I would like to leave the school knowing this is a community where future black kids can feel accepted instead of lost, like me.
I am so sorry you feel this way. Nobody should have to endure feelings of hopelessness, especially within a community that tries so hard to be positive and uplifting. While I’ll never understand what it’s like to walk a day in your shoes, especially being black in our community, I can only try my best to be compassionate and sympathetic through careful reflection. I pose this question to you because I always am wanting to learn more and understand different perspectives better: Do you honestly believe any progress has been made within your time on campus? Do you believe incidents like these take us a step back? and if you had to offer a piece of advice to a non-black student who wants to be an ally, how can they help in a situation like this? I’ll always try my best to be there for you and other black members of our community and hope that you can find clarity in times like these. I wanted to end on an uplifting note and say something along the lines of, “you are not defined by your situation; you can move on from this and tread forward”, but I now think this is slightly insensitive because it’s difficult to escape the social repercussions with being black in today’s time. I hope you get my point; nevertheless… thank you for sharing your story.
I think the most important part of being an ally is to uplift the voice of the people you are trying to help. It’s hard to unlearn biases, especially if they are unconscious, and if the world was perfect, people who mean well wouldn’t be bashed for their mistakes. But the fear of making a mistake should not overwhelm a person’s responsibility to help the voices of marginalized groups.
In my opinion, a lot of the actions the administrations have taken have been either pretty subtle or not even addressed to the students. For example, I wish there was an out-loud declaration of the new “Hate Speech Policy” in the student handbook, I didn’t even know about this new policy until a teacher told me about it! I mean let’s be real here, who actually reads the handbook unless it’s to see how many unexcused absences you can get away with? Why not make it known to the whole school that certain behaviors will not be tolerated. This “better left unsaid” behavior that our school tends to have can hurt more than help. I’m glad that this policy is explicit in the handbook but because these things weren’t verbally expressed it can feel a little performative. Another example is our Head of School’s email to parents in response to George Floyd’s murder and the events that took place after. This letter was passionate and I can tell that the message was to do better as a community? But the students make up the community as well, why did they not receive this email? Especially if it was about being respectful and uplifting our peers. It is not the faculty that I’ve felt uncomfortable around as a Black student, it was my peers. I feel this way but I’m scared that my critiques will just come off as “picky”. But I’m not being picky! I’m saying all of this because, despite the disappointments of our community, I’m saying all of this because I know our school can do better!
Yikes, I said a lot of things! I’m really sorry for the long reply (it ended up not just being a reply to you but a message to anyone who stumbles across this comment)! But I’m really glad you commented! I can tell you truly want to be a better ally. Hopefully, my message didn’t get lost in my words.
Wow, this is the first time I’m hearing about the Hate Speech Policy and the George Floyd email. You bring up excellent points… this information should definitely be candidly shared with students who primarily make up the school community. I believe these messages would surely be a step in the right direction, especially when the administration is having to implement policies as a result of students’ actions. Thanks again for your reply and for providing me with some valuable insight. I wasn’t lost in your words at all btw; your writing is very clear!