The Intangible Weight

Chiara Bruzzi/ December 6, 2020/ Guest Writers, Relationships/ 2 comments

By: Will Perez

Growing up the youngest child of my three siblings, I self-reflect on the conspicuous disparity in the expectations put forth on me. The surmounting hopes and expectations of my family on me, being the sole sibling sent to a prestigious institution in hopes of achieving what everyone else couldn’t. This is not something that ever crossed my mind until this year.   

As my final year in high school began, I left Alaska, where I stayed during the summer, to return to Miami. When I arrived in Miami, it hit me: I was under the impression that staying 4000 miles away from home with my brother would detract from all the mental trammels that had built up and festered during the extended quarantine. Those long months of solitude during quarantine had built up this impotent anger and feeling of helplessness towards the world. I wanted to seclude myself more than anything and succumb to the situation that fell upon the world without even giving it a try.  That summer changed my mindset after I got back, but not for long. As much as I didn’t want to leave, I knew it was time for school in person because once again, I felt this obligation to return in person and make the most of what everyone described as “normality.” It seemed that all the progress I made was laid to waste as I relapsed into what some may describe as anxiety-induced depression. Every day seemed more bland than the one before, and I felt myself becoming crushed under the weight of everything. I was diligent in getting things done but I was soon overwhelmed, if it wasn’t one thing… it was another. I wanted nothing more than to sleep and isolate myself amidst the weight of everything. College admissions, essays, schoolwork, sports being canceled, family issues, and the thought of having to wake up every morning and face what seemed like the same 24 hours. 

This took a significant toll on me. I contemplated if I made the right decision coming back to my reality or if it would have been better to stay far away and live in a world that I was enjoying. But, no matter my preference, the time came for me to move forward into the next stage of my life. I figured eventually I would accustom myself through a term we use when working out called hypertrophy strength, but that hasn’t been the case. For so long, I wanted more than anything to be able to distance myself from the unrealistic expectations that came with being the “smart one” in the family. *If any of you know me in person, you’ll figure how ridiculous that term may sound*

I protested about my family not wanting to treat me as an adult despite asking so much from me. How more times than not, I found myself having to hold together a household (at 17 years old); having to play the part of the adult in situations where I wasn’t presented the full picture. Before I go any further, I want to clarify that I do not feel incapable of being in this position and being a foundation for my family. In fact, the pressure has made me proactive as it has forced me to grow up to face the world’s realities. I yearned to just have problems told to me for how they were, instead of being cuddled into them. But, wanting to be treated as an adult comes with a hefty price. I figured that if they held me to such a high standard and called upon me as often as they did, then what could be the harm? “Be careful what you wish for” is something that I am now deeply familiar with. Understanding why some things are the way they are within my own family now weighs on me, atop the surmounting expectations that induce anxiety. Because like I said before, If it isn’t one thing… it’s another. But this is just my collection of observations. 

I slowly wait and hope for the best of the answers from the 15 colleges I applied to, hoping that maybe I will be able to relieve myself from what I perceive as the weight of the world once I graduate. That by the time I begin to pack my things and move to some other state or city, all of the weight on my shoulders will magically be lifted; and, everything will cease to be complicated. Unfortunately, I’ve lived and learned enough to know that with age come more significant issues that may present themselves. Ending on a positive note, I know that I will be ready for whatever issue is brought upon me. I believe that this is just a short phase in my life that has been characterized by the misfortunes that countless other teenagers and I are currently experiencing.